In the first of what I hope to be many, many editions, I present to you, my patient readers with the very first Problem Solved.

What is Problem Solved, you ask? What, you didn’t ask me? That’s exactly the point! Unlike those pesky advice columns that just sit there waiting for you to ask them a question, I’ve taken it upon myself to roll up the sleeves and get out there solving problems the proactive way – looking them up on the interwebs.

This week finds me tackling some doozies. Let’s get to it!

This first gem comes from Craigslist (Ottawa):

Wanting some of that “eye candy” – w4m – 21 (Bulkbarn Merivale)

Date: 2011-12-08, 12:17AM EST

I was at the bulk barn on Wednesday and it was over run by seniors!! It was crazy but you seemed so patient with them … I wanted to say something but it was so busy and you were on cash. I can’t get you and that stunning smile out of my head … not to mention you have gorgeous red hair 😉

I know this is a long shot, but if you see this I’d love to have coffee with you sometime.

Let’s break this down:

1) The unrequited pining love is for a Ginger cashier at a bulk barn
2) Gorgeous Red has amazing patience with old folks (undoubtedly buying bulk amounts of raisins)
3) It was very busy and Sugar Tooth couldn’t get a word-in, edge-wise with Rusty
4) Somehow, our young twenty-one year old female seems to think that it is a long shot to go for coffee with Archie
5) This was written on Craiglist past midnight, so we know that she means business

Unless there is something grotesquely wrong with you, Bulk Barn Buyer, I believe your only issue is finding a way to grab Red Baron’s attention in his frantic retail workspace, overwhelmed by pensioners. Here’s how I suggest you handle this:

It’s going to take a bit of legwork, which I hope isn’t an issue, but you’re going to have to wait until Mr. Christina Hendricks (ran out of redheads) gets off work, preferably a late closing shift. Follow him home. This should cost roughly $3.25 as any friendly cashier at Bulk Barn is probably a man who rides public transit. You wait until he gets off the bus and you get off at the same stop. You are carrying two giant bags of candy (purchased at a different Bulk Barn). You let the bus drive away. Erik the Red is walking away, there is nobody around, you club him over the head with one of the bags of candy. It will knock him out. It might also cause the bag to break and you will lose that bag of candy. I repeat, you will lose that bag of candy. This is why you carry two.

Carry Man-Lucille Ball to his home (you’ve checked his wallet for his address and found his keys – you also do other stuff, but that’s just not cool). You prop him up on a chair. Couches are good for comfort, but bad for posture.

Good for posture.

Now for the kicker. He wakes up and you’re dressed like that female M&M, you know, the green one with eyelashes.

Insert "peanut-filled" M&M joke here

Carrot-Top wakes up to find your lovely, sexy self caring for his concussed head and there is a giant bag of candy for you to share. Boom! Problem Solved.

And, for our second problem, also from Craigslist (Ottawa):

Skyrim Girl – m4w – 33 (EB Games)

Date: 2011-12-05, 5:57PM EST

This a long shot, and it happened a while ago. Nov 11 to be precise. The day Elder Scrolls 5: Skyrim came out.

You picked up your copy, and I picked up mine. We didn’t actually say anything to each other. So, you probably have no idea who I am. But if you hadn’t had such a head start out of the store from me I probably would have used some kind of amusing pick up line like:

“I think you’re cute, and I’d ask you if you’d like to go out sometime, but from what I hear this game is a huge time-sink. But, if you’d like…..”

Alas, you were too swift…but mayhaps you’ll see this and we’ll connect. If you’re not still too busy playing that is!

Let’s break this down:

1) Grown man (aged 33) saw female buy expansive/immersive free-roaming role-playing game
2) He likey
3) He took four weeks to post something anonymously online about what he might have possibly said if she hadn’t had such a head start out the store
4) Seriously, though. He took FOUR WEEKS to come up with that one line
5) He presumes that this might work if she isn’t still too busy playing Skyrim
6) His use of the word mayhaps is probably what delayed this whole post, problamaybilly

"I think you're cute, and I'd ask you if you'd like to go out sometime, but from what I hear this game is a huge time-sink. But, if you'd like....."

Alas, Skyrim Guy, let me tell you this right now, so you don’t spend years searching the very readable and immersive, though regrettably still very fake books in Elder Scrolls 5 looking for an answer. No, she wouldn’t ever want to go out sometime with you. Yes, she is still too busy playing. These are not necessarily exclusive. Spare yourself the agony and go fight some… Orcs? Problem Solved.

NOTE: I am not a professional problem-solver. But that will never stop me.