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Well, we’re officially several weeks into the summer now and it is gosh-darned sticky hot out there. In the Big Poutine (newly coined nickname for Ottawa) it is so hot curds be melting all over the place (apologies to foreigners for these “made-up” words). To make matters worse, it’s not only hot, it’s humid, and if annoying assholes people wearing socks and sandals are to be believed, that is far worse. Also lightning. Lightning is pretty awful, too.

I don’t try to claim that I’m an expert in anything, but let me tell you, I know absolutely every trick in the book about how to beat the heat (and humidity – assholes people).

5. Frozen Treats

It’s only appropriate that this blog post appears on July 11th, otherwise known as 7-11. For those of you in the know, there happens to be quite a large chain of convenience stores called 7-11 that celebrate their existence on this namesake day by offering free “Slurpees”, essentially a bunch of ice and a ton of syrup. It’s like your Coca-Cola committed suicide in a snow machine. It’s also quite good that 7-11 wasn’t called 12-12, because a Slurpee in December is less enjoyable. [Insert Southern Hemisphere & Tropical Climate Appropriate Joke Here].

It doesn’t have to be a name brand Slurpee (indeed, in my neighbourhood there is only the rival Mac’s convenience store with their “Froster”; unfortunately, no calendar date conveniently references Mac) or even a beverage. You can help yourself to an ice pop (name brand = Popsicle) or freezer pop (Mr. Freeze). Basically any combination of sugar and frozen water will do.

And food colouring. Let's not forget the real hero.

I’d also suggest at this point that ice cream and frozen yoghurt can be tempting, but they don’t usually come in convenient one-serving packages (unless you are loading up on Cornettos or ice cream sandwiches – to which I say, you, sir/madam, do not need my help). If you’ve got the mad splash of cash to be rocking those sort of things, by all means, go with it. I just like to think that I can give some frugal advice to my blog-o-friends out there. I’ve seen 128 packs of non-name brand freezer pops going for 99 cents, that’s all I’m saying.

For the really cheap, I suggest crunching on ice cubes.

4. Fans (and Possibly Lots of Them!)

As my last post hints at, I’m no stranger to fandom and fans in general. However, unlike that post, I’m not going to throw a huge list of different fans at you. When it comes to the great summer battle of fighting the heat, one fan stands heads and shoulders above the rest.

I, of course, am referring to the mighty oscillating fan, the standard bearer for all things oscillating. It may not be very effective (it’s not) or very efficient (it’s really not), but damn if that thing doesn’t mean well and try hard!

The Ben Affleck of Small Appliances.

I think even with a half dozen oscillating fans in a living room it is entirely possible to not feel comfortable, but to at least appreciate that the little guy is doing its darnedest to try and beat the heat, even if all it is doing is re-circulating that same hot and sticky air around. If you appreciate hard work and aren’t too concerned with reality, oscillating fans are a great way to go.

3. Water

Anything to do with water seems to be a nice way to fight the heat. There are water parks with water slides. Also, there are many kinds of pools, including both swimming and wading (real men wade, y’all) varieties.

Geniuses.

However, water comes with many dangers, most of which involve six-year-old kids and too many Slurpees. Be warned, friends!

2. Air Conditioning

The pen-ultimate solution for beating the heat is to go out and throw dollar bills down on an Air Conditioner, otherwise known as an Air-Con, A/C, or an A-Con.

According to one store's online flyer, comes with "8,000 BTU, 115 Volts, 24-hr timer and 3-in-1 Cool/Fan/Dehumidify..."

Air Conditioners are somewhat controversial in that they use significant energy, are harmful to the environment and have had links to poor health, including oddly enough, weight gain. On the flip side, they make things coooool (extra Os intentional).

But, hey, who am I to try and promote A/C? All you need to know is that the U.S. military budget for air conditioning in Iraq and Afghanistan is $20 billion PER YEAR.

"Well damn, if this isn't a refreshingly cool building."

1. Dirk Nowitski

On his way to enjoy a free Slurpee.

See: National Basketball Association Finals, 2010-2011.

Honourable Mentions:

Alcohol: not actually a great solution, but a lot of fun.

Nakedness: also fun; best to avoid leather couches, though.

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