Well, it’s finally happened: Ilya Kovalchuk has signed himself to an NHL contract with the New Jersey Devils. A whopping contract for $102 million dollars spread over SEVENTEEN YEARS. Because a contract is a contract, and not just a way to circumvent the salary cap (right?), I think we’re all expecting Ilya to play in the NHL until 2027. He’ll be 44.
Some thoughts on the world, in the year 2027:
– “Sweet” Lou Lamoriello, General Manager of the Devils, aged 85, will still be calling the shots. He will have fired around twenty coaches in the past ten years, for their inexplicable incompetence in delivering a Stanley Cup when given a roster loaded with Kovalchuk, and the soon-to-be 55 year old Martin Brodeur, who reportedly signs a “deal for life” that Sweet Lou intends to be fulfilled.
– Unsurprisingly, the Rolling Stones, all in their mid-80s, will embark on a “Final, And This Time We Mean It” World Tour. Mick will still have those moves with the hips. Remarkably still his own.
– LeBron James will hold a web-streamed press conference called “The Decision 12”, where after months of agonizing, and a little coverage on the now obsolete Twitter, he will announce his choice of retirement destination. A lot of places were in the running (Phoenix, Cleveland), but he just had to go for Miami. His choice to live in an RV has many fans questioning his loyalty.
– The words “Tea Party”, in most people’s minds will again evoke thoughts of Boston Harbor, hard rock, or delightful afternoons in the garden. The Tea Party protests of the Obama years will try to be forgotten as a tacky fad like pet rocks or parachute pants.
– Dan Brown, J.K. Rowling, James Patterson, Tom Clancy, Danielle Steel and Stephen King will be the cast of “Celebrity Author Big Brother“. The show manages to set records for audiences, despite being awful. Ad sales for episodes eclipse the Superbowl.